My first big fat Christian wedding
Awis’s sister got married to his relief of making his room an all male domain,, the entire wedding experience was amazing…. I’ll go slow to take you through the nuances of this moment of history that I was very much a part of…

Date: 19/05/06
Time: 20:00 hrs
Venue: Tony’s place

I’m chilling at home watching TV and bugging my mom, I was tired,,, I knew it was going to be a hard day at work today so I didn’t bother going,, suddenly out of the blue I hear a faint voice calling my name,,, wow ,,, dreams working !!!!!,, but they shattered the moment I saw awis,, he signaled me to come down,,, the first thing I told him was ,, dude you’re stinking ,, did you get a new job or something at a poultry farm,, he was smelling of uncooked eggs,, not a very pleasant experience if you’re his friend,, he got down to business,,, Tony (his brother in law) had to be screwed and he’d come to pick the right man for the job,, well I said,, my pleasure,,, they went through some ritual called “rose” where we’re supposed to put coconut milk on the groom and his best man ,, coconut milk ,,, totally un cool,, we got a dozen eggs,, toothpaste and two cans of snow spray,, moments later the entire house was shrieking and stinking like they’d been attacked by terrorists with gas problems and we left within minutes of our onslaught fearing a strong backlash,, mission accomplished,, I had like a huge smile on my face every time I thought how gracefully I’d banged those eggs on Tony’s head and how I perfected the timing of letting the snow spray out just when Tony opened his mouth,,, “well there’s a lot more to do so stop patting yourself “ chided myself,, awis’s house was like Mumbai,, bursting at its seams ,, 22 people staying in a two bedroom place and just one bloody bathroom,, uncles who had booze for breakfast,, lunch and dinner,, aunts who kept shouting and shrieking in their shrill voices,, kids,, the biggest man-made disasters if you’d met the ones I did,, cousins who bragged about their underworld contacts,, friends who weren’t used to drinking with their Goan counterparts and were dancing to everyone’s delight,, and the worst thing was ,, the entire place was stinking of egg’s,, Alice (bride) had already been attacked by in-house anti-social elements. “Missed it” said to myself

Date: 20/05/06
Time: 16:45 hrs
Venue: Rosary Church

The wedding’s at 17:00 hrs but I have faith in my country and its people,, it shouldn’t start till 18:00 I tell my sisters,, one call to Awis and I press the panic button,, he’s in the church and the ceremony could start any moment ,, here I am ,, in my shorts,, cant even find my underwear and I don’t know whether I should wear a suit,, which shirt,,, gift??? Fuck ,,, don’t even have a gift,, somehow I get into my suit and rush ,, it’s a bloody microwave out there and I’m steaming in my suit,, kept wondering why cant I wear my shorts to church,, two minutes at the church and the priest says ,, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife,, poor guy (Tony),, thought to myself ,,, but I made it ,, I got to see it in real life,, it seriously looked magical,, very very symbolic.. my sisters finally made it and got to see the latter part.

Date: 20/05/06
Time: 19:30
Venue: Godrej Hall

I’m at the reception,, there’s nobody here ,, just some dogs running around ,, the food should have been laid out by now ,, I am hungry and there’s not a single guest in sight,, wow ,, cant believe my luck ,, they’re laying out the food and I get finish all of it J
The guests start pouring in and I have a job role assigned by awis’s mom,, have to entertain guests ,, yeah ,, right ,, like strip or something,, they start with a toast to some real fucked up mixture of ginger juice and sprite,, they called it wine,, I called it a glass of fuck,, moments later the entire place gets a life,, everybody’s dancing to some real cool live music ,, country music ,, Hindi and English ,, loved it ,, they even had some ball dancing stuff ,, but I’d prepared myself mentally that I wont get an opportunity,, zaai had already turned down my offer,, but then I realized,, I had two sisters here ,,, what are sisters for ,, to dance with you when you don’t have dates,, exactly,, and well what happened later were some real beautiful moments ,, it didn’t take very long for the DJ to take over and soon it was me and Awis ,, running on the floor ,, doing crazy stuff ,, the uncles were also responsible for that ,, they took us home for fifteen mins of soul and soda searching,, though awis had a tough time keeping his emotions(and posture) under control initially but some lemon juice did the trick for him,,,

Date: 20/05/06
Time: 23:30
Venue: Godrej Hall

Finally we had our dinner,, its time for the bride to be sent off ,, phew,, normally its big time sobbing for bohri’s ,, everyone from the distant aunts to relative’s friends ,, everyone cries ,, while I get cheap thrills watching them ,, here nobody did ,, I was waiting for this moment to watch everyone breakdown,,, but everyone was more than happy that its finally over,, some uncles even fell down while giving senti speeches on how happy they were ,, I think it was an overdose of booze,, after picking up all the relatives lying in the hall we finally went home,, it was then awis’s turn to get a little senti,, and we thrashed each others brains belting out our respective philosophies from how to make the world a better place??? To freedom of expression (why cant we pee where we want to pee???)

Date: 21/05/06
Time: 13:00
Venue: Hotel Tulsi

Time for a family get together,, wonder why I went there in the first place,, and for some reason I found everyone just staring at me,, got so conscious that I didn’t even wish the bride and groom,, took a seat right next to the door so I could slip in and out without anyone staring,, come and bloody take your autographs ,, I don’t even mind posing for pictures but for God’s sake stop staring,, but it didn’t stop,, awis said some medicine would loosen us up ,, after half an hour of debating and discussing whether or not we should go to the medicine corner,, we finally went,, shitting in our pants,, we just didn’t want people to know ,, specially awis’s parents,, we took so much pain of running around trying to hide ourselves in the small room ,, we literally ducked like we were being shot with machine guns on the border when the cameraman turned to us,, two sips later we were showing off our glasses,,

And two minutes later awis went on an all time low,, in a carefully coordinated prank with awis’s cousin peter,, I told awis I was totally high,, small room,, only family members,, and a fake image to protect,, awis gave me a look which said that his ass was on fire , his pants are already wet and his nerves could blast any moment,, he went to get lemon ,, on his return peter tells him that ali’s talking crazy things and awis’s parents are watching,, by now awis has lost his high and come down on an all time low,, his dreams of getting married someday are being shattered right in front of him ,, which father would give his daughter to a guy with such a drunkard friend,, I just cant control laughing while he’s cursing himself for getting me here,, I just couldn’t help but laugh at a poor soul who thought he’d be crucified now,, he keeps sourcing lemons and I keep throwing them,, then came the worst part,,, I told him I want to dance and the very thought sent him into dungeons of pain and sorrow,, he wanted to cry,, he held on to me really really tight ,, making sure I don’t even move,, it was a very funny scene cos it’s a very small room and both the families are watching us,, and I was just laughing ,, I then pointed out a girl and I said ,, can you get her for me ,, I want to %$^& her ,, there he just blew ,, he couldn’t believe what he’d done ,, he committed the biggest scene by handing me the glass,, he was repenting the first day in school that we’d met ,,, why?? Why?? He just kept muttering ,, he’d just stand by me not letting me move ,, I got more of his cousin’s and relatives involved ,, they’d just go to him and tell him that ali is acting weird and that was enough to push him closer and closer to a nervous breakdown ,, he was sweating like a bull in an air conditioned small room ,, poor guy ,, must have thought of a thousand permutations and combinations that could have gone wrong ,, he was about to collapse of brain damage when somebody asked him to get some water ,, he only left after asking three cousins to guard me,, I followed him right out and he looked at me like he’d seen a ghost ,, I could read his emotions ,, he badly wanted to cry ,, just one wrong word from my mouth and he’d cry,,, I was scared myself cause I thought he’d get a heart attack or a nervous breakdown,, and that’s exactly when I told him and he refused to believe ,, cos if everybody knew that I wasn’t drunk then going by awis acting ultra weird all afternoon ,, they must’ve thought he’s drunk ,, and that’s exactly what happened ,, the poor guy’s misery didn’t end there,, he felt like a fool and everyone stared at him with the “you are a drunkard” look,,, he just kept cursing and vowed revenge while I could feel my abs pain with continuous laughing for more than two full hours…

Awis man ,,, I owe you one