DriVinG Dubai CraZy

Soomar khan

Age 49, Hyderabadi, came to Dubai when he realized that with his looks only an NRI stamp could get him married.

Best described: The most celebrated instructor at the best driving school in Dubai,

Year 2004: 2 awards "Instructor of the month"
Year 2005: 4 awards "Instructor of the month" and "Instructor of the year award"
Year 2006: "Instructor of the year award"
Year 2007: "Instructor of the month" for February.

Aliasgar Chandra

Age 22, Gujarati, came to Dubai when he realized that with his jokes he'd never manage to keep a girlfriend in Baroda.

Best described: God’s way of telling the world “Pay for all your sins, take this”


And what happens when they meet????

Day 1
Soomar: Raising his right hand “what does this stand for??”
Ali: “sir right”
Soomar: Thank god


Day 4
Soomar: applies emergency brakes.. “What the fuck are u doing,?? U’re driving into the wall…. Why didn’t u turn???
Ali: Taking off his ear plugs… “Yes sir???”


Day 8
Soomar: “Even a donkey would drive this car by now, what do u think u’re doing??”
Ali: “yes sir??”
Soomar: “No … I want a fucking answer.. Stop the car just now.. NO NO NO NO … NOT ON THE ROAD… GET IT ON THE SIDE FIRST. What the fuck are u doing???”
Ali: “doing what sir??”
Soomar: Tries to tear his wig off, then puts his head on the dashboard and starts moaning “Allah ho Akbar, Allah ho Akbar”


Day 10
Soomar: “I swear …I swear … if you were my son I swear on my mother I’d disown u.. What the fuck did u do in school”
Ali: “Yes sir??”
Soomar: “ you will never pass this”
Ali: grins and then breaks out laughing
Soomar: “you can laugh all u want to loser but don’t forget to show me Ur face after u fail”
Ali: silent for some time … “why sir???”


PS: Last known Soomar khan has taken up counseling for mental anguish and trauma at emirates center for mental health care and has also put in an application for indefinite leave due to health reasons.

LiFe In A mETro

5:30 am: tttttrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn ttttrrriiiinnnnnn "fuck! turn off the alarm ... u're not the only one in the room.. there are ten other brainfucked bodies lying around trying to get some sleep"

6:00 am: tttttrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn ttttrrriiiinnnnnn ...fuck that alarm or i'll break it ... oh fuck ... its mine .. sorry guys... snoooze 1... snoooze 2

6:30 am: trinnnnnn trinnnnnnn .. the sleepy guys look at me like i screwed up their lives again .. i turn it off..
"who's in the fucking loo" .. u're not supposed to be doing the interiors there.. get out !!

6:35 am: (loo opens.. i peep in) .. "get back in and flush.. what bloody village did u come from.. now this is the final time i'm telling u ... u always press the button on top after u deposit or dont blame me if u ever find shit in ur soap box"

i know thats gross ... but i'll pay somebody to do it .. :)

6:45 am: breakfast ... same fucked eggs with extra salt enough to feed the entire NANO UAE army, and contrary to popular opinion the UAE army does exist though the jobrole hasn't been defined so far cos the army is busy sorting out the traffic jams but they're working on it.

7:00 am: i walk down the street to my pick up place..i see the same faces on the way, same fat hotel manager stocking up on caffeine, same school going kids, same guys in the grocery, same guys waiting for their bus, same guys rushing to work. same cars at the signal, same couple out on a morning walk, same restaurant employees rushing for their morning shift, same indian aunt trying to jog, i am sitting at the corner of naif park looking at the mad rush and the same thoughts run through my mind.. "what the fuck am i doing in this rat race??"

7:45 am: (in the car) hmmmmm ... heh thats my favourite song.. i wonder how the RJ's manage their "smile all the time,, world is such a nice place" mood all the time. What if her dude dumped her or her car gets smashed or she gets robbed... will she stil have to be the goody good bubbly nice girl ... what the fuck .. and come to think of it she was the one driving the "be yourself" campaign two weeks back.. fuck !!!

man ... my job's better :)

08:45 : (work starts) " Where's this!!! i'd told u this was urgent.. what do i tell the client???"

09:00 : "why aren't we getting orders" ..

10:00 : "ur credit period is getting over" ..

10:30 : "where's our payment"... .

11:00 : "ur prices are too high... XYZ is giving me better prices"...

12:00 : "u delivered chinese material.. i'd asked for german",,

12:30 : "where's your driver, five more mins or cancel the order"

13:00 : (lunch time) My cook screws it up again, he's got this chilli dumping policy.. according to him and his ancestors the food is tasty only if the gross weight of red and green chillies in a dish is higher than all the other ingredients put together ... guess i'll spend the night groaning with acidity again.

13:40 : (work starts) "is the boss coming to the office ??? fuck !!! "

14:45 : "whats wrong with the client" ..

16:00 : "i can do without ur services, i am stopping ur payment untill u clear our account"

17:00 : "your cheque bounced again"...

18:00 : "ur prices dont justify ur service"...

19:00 : "This is not the kind of quality we can do with",,

20:00 : "you sent me the wrong sizes,, replace them just now"..

20:45 : (back in the car) hmmmm... thats a nice song.. these RJ's have good jobs.. losers call them all day only to give them an ego massage... fuck .. i want to be a RJ in my next birth .. this birth i've expired my credit limit .. banks, relatives & parents have already stopped entertaining my pleas.. i wish friends could help,, but they're broke as well ...

21:15: (back home) "who's in the loo.. what the fuck are u doing inside.. and stop singing for saraswati's sake... oh btw thats our new mallu neighbour.. the bastard inside starts singing louder .. fucker !!!

21:30 : (gym) The place is stinking of sweat.. "please turn on the AC sir,, sir please,, i'm serious,, dont go by my looks,, i'd really shove ur tiny fucked face up that big guy's armpit to tell u how i feel.. "

22:25 : (back home) The TV room is jam packed with all the uncles glued to the screen .. and there comes tulsi.. fuck .. again!!! ..

uncle 1: sniff sniff ..such hard times for poor tulsi no.. she's been through so much !!

uncle 2: sniff sniff sniff .... dont cry brother .. sniff sniff .. god is there

22:45 : Hmmmmm .. daal makhani .. :) i love dubai ... life is good

23:15 : oh fuck ... all these dishes .. why cant we buy a dishwasher .. fuck.. scrub scrub .. i hate dubai.. life sucks

23:25 : why do these losers have to cook all this oily food.. and if they're so bloody interested then why the fuck cant they use disposable dishes .. fuck

23:35 : lights off !!! will have to change in the balcony again.. that peeping old fat bitch in the next building must be waiting .. she wont sleep till she gets her daily dose.. and there she is .. staring .... bitch!! .. ur daughters should be doing this...


23:45 : fuck ..the day's over..

i had to...

wash the laundry,
change my frames,
buy some toiletries,
buy those chocolates for baroda,
buy that phone,
look for a new house,
get those Tshirts,
visit uncle's place,
call the dudes,
visit that new cafe,,
try that new afghan restaurant,,
take my cousin out,
complete that book,,
play volleyball,,
go out blading,,
watch that new movie,
do some yoga,
get some music,
try meditation,
and get some sleep...

tomorrow i guess... sigh